hahahaha, fuck you.

fourth of july. 
pretty effin great.


today.
pretty effin great.


not even sad anymore.


but bitchy? YES :) 


that's how you know i'm back to the old me :D 

Shut your god damn mouth.

quit trying to prove me wrong.
just fucking quit it already.
You and I both know the truth.
so quit trying to make yourself look good.
or i'll beat the shit outta you
i'm soooooooooo sick of bullshit.

Everyone's mad.

I can't help what I did. Now that I've done it, I don't want to change my mind. It may be the biggest mistake of my life, but I can't help it. Everyone found out, and hell broke loose.

I'm so frustrated, I want to bang my head into a brick wall.
That'd be less pain than what I feel right now.
God damn.

imsosleepy.

I'm running on sleep deprivation. My medicine makes it where I can't fall asleep until like 1, and when I try to stay up past that I get high off my ass. THENNN it wakes me up at about 5. So 4 hours of sleep. The nights I don't take it, I don't sleep any. So, basically. Until I heal, I'll be going insane from sleep lost. BUT naps make it bearable.

On the brightside, I get to see all of my Myrtle Beach lovers this weekend.

July 4th.

Fireworks. Bam bam bam bam bam bam bammmm, <3 (:

oh&&&&&&&&
Jansen is gone now. 32 days until I see him!
it sucks having your best friend go on tour. ): </3

Two can play at that game (;

You have a girlfriend.

Don't text me in the middle of the night telling me you love me. I know she wouldn't like that very much. As much as I love to see that, I can't be the "other" girl. I can't let you do to her what you did to me. I didn't reply "i love you too" I simply said "wow". You can't do this to her. I'd hate to know you put another girl through what you put me through. 
Even if waking up to that text made my day worth it.



<

Wow.

So yesterday came as a real surprise to me. It opened my eyes really.
goodness goodness.
this time when i say im going back to how i use to be,
i mean it.
i'll stick with it this time.

screwwwwwwwwwwwwww haters (;

Hell to pay.

I seriously feel like I can't take anymore of this insanity. I feel so broken and alone. I have all of my friends with me, but I still feel like I have nothing there. I'm just, empty. I can't handle it. I need someone to prove to me that this is worth it. That in the end something good can come out of all this bull shit. I need someone to honestly care for me and about me. To care about my happiness. I have people that try to be that person, but I push them away. I want to find that one person, who won't stop even when I do.

It hurts so bad..

Today, I found out that the boy I loved with all of my heart has went back to someone else. I cried for 2 hours. I keep crying. I feel like my heart has been broken all over again. I know I dated someone after him, but I also broke up with that person because I still wasn't over him.. and he was telling me he still loved me at the time.. It hurts so bad. All I feel is pain. Jansen came over and held me while I cried for so long, and others are trying to tell me that it's okay. I can't help it though, there words are just words. That doesn't fix my pain. I have people trying to tell me just to stop crying that it's not worth the tears. I agree, it's not. I can't help it. The one person that actually made me feel like I was worth something, honestly made me feel that way, is gone. Now that he's gone back to her, the realization of loosing him has sunk in. It's hell. He will never be mine again. I will never hear him tell me he loves me again. He's hers, and he loves her. Just typing that kills me. Just thinking about it kills me even more. Just telling people why I'm crying, murders me completely. I don't think he'll ever understand just what he's put me through.
Just to hear him say I love you, i'd die for.
It may have been only 7-8 months, but I went through so much with him.
He helped me through so much.
I loved him, so god damn much.
& it hurts.
It really really hurts.

I feel like literal shit.

I want to sleep, but that's become an impossible task. I took the wrong medication yesterday, and that really messed me up. I want to puke, but I can't hardly move enough to do that. Randomly, I'll have these mad shaking attacks and it's crazy. Imagine me driving two hours to my big sister's like this, with my little sister in the car. God. That was crazy.

Cause you feed me fables from your hand

With violent words and empty threats

And it's sick that all these battles

Are what keeps me satisfied

On top of that, I'm still having my random tears over "him". I don't know. He's what I've had for 7 months, and now he's just gone. I feel empty. I feel numb. The pain is gone, for now. It's just nothing. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't even focus on anything I do anymore. I know it's going to bug the hell outta my friends when I see them. God damn. Why is life always so difficult for me? Why couldn't it just have been a normal relationship instead of constant fighting?

Sometimes a man gets carried away,
When he feels like he should be having his fun
Much too blind to see the damage he's done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that, really,
He has no-one...

So I'll wait for you... And I'll burn
Will I ever see your sweet return?
Oh, will I ever learn?
Oh, Lover, you should've come over
Cause it's not too late.

Tell me, when are you going to realize that I can't live without you?

Can you just come back.? Please.. 

you break your neck, to keep your chin up.

Last night, I cried more than I ever have in my life. I cried not just for the events that went on then, but for everything that has ever happened. I cried for the people I've hurt, the times I've been hurt, the shit my younger siblings are being put through, the reality of it all. It wasn't just a few tears, I was straight up sobbing. Not just for a few minutes, for hours. I fell asleep crying. It's taken me up to now, keeping it all bundled up. I reached breaking point. It was the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life.
It took this major mental breakdown to HONESTLY see how messed up I am. I've known it all along, but it's never really sunk in. As a matter of fact, I just kinda overlooked it. I'd have my times where I'd get down and know about how bad off I am, but never has the thought came through my head, "I need help." Last night, it did. I kept thinking over and over "I need someone here. I need to talk to someone." I talked to multiple people about being upset.
You'll never guessed what pushed me over my limit last night.
A boy.
Rather, the boy.
The one that was "the" boy for 7 months..
Everything just kinda blew up.

God, I don't even want to go into detail.

Let's just say, we fought. I guess.

I'll love him forever, even if he never did to start with..
And rather he believes it or not..

I love you, so much..
and being without you is absolutely terrible.
I wish you the best..

Wake Up.

 You decided to text me tonight, and try to prove to me that I never loved you?
Pain.
Pain.
Pain.
Every word you said cause me so much pain.
In the end, you went to sleep.
I gave you a goodbye, not goodnight.
I can't take anymore.
What's it going to take,
to show you that you're the only person I can ever love that much.
Please, just realize.

Stressed..

Ever since I deleted all of my blogs, I've supposed to be more happy. I'm supposed to be trying hard. Don't get me wrong, I have been trying. I've been ignoring bull shit and keeping a smile, but today it ain't working. I wish I would have kept my blog posts. I want to look back and see everything me and Christian went through.

I miss him.

I want him.

This is crazy.

I've never felt this much pain over one person.

fmlfmlfmlfml

I've tried, to be happy. This shit ain't working. Someone kill me please? I can't take this anymore... I'm running out of last chances. Please. Stop the pain. I can't handle it anymore. I want to go back to the "numb" stage. Because now I'm hurting like hell.
Someone fucking show me that you care about me, before I loose it. 

We all fall down.

Eventually, I'm not going to be able to stop myself.

"Violence is never the answer."

"Don't stoop that low."

"You're better than that, don't worry."

"Don't let it get to you."

"You don't need to prove yourself."

Why can't people just leave me alone?

Everybody's Fool.

Sparkling grey
They're my own veins.

Any more than a whisper,
Any sudden movement of my heart.
And I know, I know,
I'll have to watch them pass away,
Just get through this day.

I'm loosing myself. I transform based on the person I'm with. I don't know who I am. I'm really feeling like getting in my car and driving for a really long time. I'll just drive and drive until I can't see anything but grass and trees and endless skies. Yes. 

Love.

Love. That's all I want. Pure, sweet, honest love. Someone that makes me happy all the time, and never hurts me. Someone who can keep me on my feet, and is there when I fall down. Someone who I can trust with my life, and is the same person that puts my life back in me. Someone who can make me smile, when I feel like my entire world is crashing down. Someone who can be by my side, when I'm completely against them. Someone who I can be myself around, and never have to change my ways for. Someone who would take a bullet for me, and not think twice about it.

Is that really you?

Support.

Dreams to Reality.

 Ever since I was a little girl, I remember telling my mother that I wanted to grow up and model just like her. I wanted to be an actress. I wanted to be on runways and movie screens. Every little girls dream, right?

On December 19, 2006. That dream became my reality. My little "photo shoots" became big "spreads". I started seeing myself in magazines, on websites, and on other ads. At first, I was so happy. I had gotten what I wanted. Finally, I was making it big. I was getting calls about doing different ads, spreads, sponsorships, and everything else. It was unreal. For the first few months, everything went perfect. I enjoyed taking the pictures, enjoyed the fame, and everything else. I started to attract boys, some being ones I had never even known. People came to me in the streets and told me they liked my work. I did beauty pageants, and won them. I went to public places wearing my sashes, and selling stuff for my sponsors. It was the life.  By this time, it was 2009, and I was happier than ever. Then a tragedy struck my family. My dad started consuming vast amounts of alcohol daily, my mom became extremely depressed, and my older siblings had left and removed themselves from our family all together. I began to hang out with the wrong crowd and got myself in to a lot of shit. Soon after, in 2010 my parents got a divorce. My dad, moved to South Carolina. My mom moved me and my younger sisters to California. Why California? I got a job, working with Seventeen Magazine. Big stuff, right? At this time, my dream was blowing up into this big thing. Reality was so amazing, that I enjoyed waking up in the mornings. Even though everything else was messing up in my life, I was so happy that my fame was about to get bigger. However, when the fame did get bigger, reality finally hit me.  I was living like everything was okay. When actually, I had lost everything. By this time: my family was apart, I had lost all contact with my older siblings, I had little contact with my old friends, and I was always drunk or high. While believing that everything was perfect, it was quite the opposite. It was a disaster. The wonderful dream I was living, turned out to be a walking nightmare. After a few months of working with one of America's top magazine companies, I decided I couldn't take the pressure anymore. I quit. Now, my mom being the bad ass she is, decided she didn't like my decision. I took my friends advice, however, and took control of my life. I told my mom I was not modeling anymore, and she kicked me out. So, off to my alcoholic fathers! For the first few weeks, my dad was nothing but good to me. I was happy again. Then, something happened, and everything blew up again. The alcohol was back in his life, and the drugs and alcohol in mine. I finally had time to focus on everything that had fucked up in my life. I sunk into this deep depression, (which I had kept myself in up until yesterday) and my dad wasn't much of help anyways. He got physical. Things got so bad. Then one day, I got a phone call from Isobel LeBlanc in Augusta, Georgia. I set myself up for the worse, but got a big surprise. We talked for hours. I told her everything. She made me move in with her, to get away from my dad. Though living with my sister was amazing, I had to move back to the wonderful South Carolina. For one person. Christian Long. This boy.. he has changed me so much. So, after a while my dad finally ended up in jail, and now I'm living in this house alone for the summer. Happy as can be. 

I'm modeling again, also. I removed myself from the "internet". I made it where finding me is near impossible. So creeps won't stalk me. I now work for an off branch of Elite Modeling. Where they will be covering the cost of a trip to France this summer for all the models and their boyfriends. (Only the girls that work for this branch, though. That's like 10 girls. A ton of girls work for the company as a whole) Now, I've stopped focusing on that part of my life (and everything else that has upset me) and I focus on my future. 

Here's to living life, because you'll end up loosing it soon! <3 :)

Starting Over.

So for the past few months, I've been slipping in and out of this very serious depression. The reasons, are mostly a part of my past. Sometimes they are things from my present. If things do not fix with them, they will be removed from my future. I'm not going to let myself hurt anymore. I've had people point out how much I was falling, on multiple occasions. I've been at my lowest. Which also, has it's upsides. It's showed me who will be there when I do need a shoulder to lean on. However, for now, I refuse to let myself be hurt again. Time after time, I've fallen back down. I keep wanting people to pick me back up, without really doing anything myself. Well, starting now things are going to change.

 For one, I'm never going to get back to that low of a depression. I can't take all of that pain, it was unbearable. Next, I'm going to quit relying on others to help me be happy. “The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.” Basically, I have to make myself happy. If I'm going to get anywhere at all. Another thing, I've got to remove the people in my life that causes me problems. No matter how painful that may be. So, whenever I believe things are getting out of hand, you'll be gone. Simple as that. No objections, no fighting, no crying. I can't deal with any of that anymore, if this "happy" thing is going to happen. Finally, I'm not going to keep my past in the present. That's the past, this is the present. If I make myself happy now, it'll follow me to the future.

I'm hoping all of this works out. I'm coming back to my old ways. No more tears, pain, or worrying. I'm back to the old me. I'm sure you'll all love me so much more this way.